My friend Devo posted this on Facebook in Hebrew. I'm not quite sure how it'll translate, but let's give it a try.A Litvish Haredi father explains:-Abba, how did we beat the Greeks?
-With the help of God.
-So what were the Maccabees for?
-They were only soldiers. God helped them, thank God, and blessed be God, they won.
-The Maccabees were soldiers?
-Uh... soldiers of God. Forces of God.
-So the Maccabees were Lubvitchers?
-No! No! God forbid! They were Litvaks.
-Did Judah Maccabee carry a weapon?
-Yes.
-So was Judah Maccabee secular or a non-Jew?
-God forbid! What is this secular or non-Jew stuff?
-But only secularists and non-Jews go to the army.
-Religious Jews used to also go to the army.
-Why did the Maccabees go to the army and we don't?
-Because today, the Torah protects us.
-And the Torah didn't protect them then?
-Maybe go read some Mishnah with Moishey?
-Did the Maccabees learn Mishnah?
-They learned Torah. Lots of Torah.
-And they didn't work?
-God forbid.
-So Antiochus gave them money.
-No. They worked and made money here and there.
-In the black market, like Uncle Yanky?
-Yanky doesn't work in the black market!
-So what did Matitiyahu do for a living?
-He was a farmer.
-Matitiyahu was a Thai?
-God have mercy! What's this Thai business?
-So how did he work in the fields with a white shirt?
-Where did you get that he wore a white shirt?
-Moishey told me that a real Jew wears a white shirt.
-You get mixed up too much with this Moishey. But he's right.
-What did the Maccabees want?
-They wanted an independent Jewish state that they would run.
-Is that what we want, too?
-Yes, but we can't tell anyone. We aren't Zionists.
-Abba, I want to be a Maccabee, a Zionist, a soldier!
-Gevalt! What happened to you?
-Just kidding, Abba. I'm going to see a Schwacky show.
-Ah, good. Give my regards to Moishey's family.
A secular father explains:-Abba, why did the Maccabees fight against the Greeks?
-Not now.
-Why not now?
-I'm watching basketball now.
-Come on, Abba!
-Uh... what does it matter. The important thing is that they won.
-Abba, in the encyclopedia, it says that it was because the Maccabees didn't want to eat pork.
-Could be.
-And for that, there was such a war?!
-Look, pork is full of cholesterol; maybe the Maccabees were into health and all that.
-And because of that there was a war?
-These Maccabee health nuts can be really extreme.
-Why did the Greeks force them to eat pork?
-Because the religious Jews make an issue out of everything.
-Were the Maccabees religious?
-Are you kidding? Religious Jews don't go to the army.
-So how did they beat all the Greeks?
-God helped them.
-But you said there is no God.
-True, there isn't.
-So is there or isn't there?
-There isn't. But they thought there was.
-Abba, I don't understand.
-What don't you understand?
-If there's a God.
-So ask Ima.
-Whenever you don't know something, you send me to Ima.
-I know important things. Whether there's a God isn't important.
-It says that Judah Maccabee beat the Greeks at Beit Horon.
-If it says it, it says it.
-Where is Beit Horon?
-Far away. It's not in Israel; it's in America.
-Abba, Columbus only discovered America in 1492.
-You know you're a pain? It's in the West Bank.
-What? Abba, were the Maccabees settlers?
-I knew it. Maybe go play with Sean?
-Abba, next time we're at Tiv Taam, are they going to force me to eat pork, too?
-If you continue with these questions, there'll be no Festigal this year!
-But Abba, I'm afraid. I only have one sister.
-So what?
-The Maccabees were five brothers, and they all fought together.
-Maybe go watch Dora?
-I want to watch Maccabee.
-Good, watch Maccabee.
-Abba, where are the Maccabees?
-Here in yellow. [note: Maccabee is the name of a sports team]
-Those are Maccabees?
-Yes.
-What are their names?
-Fizer, Bynum, Batista, Blumenthal and Cummings.
-Abba, you're being annoying. Those aren't the Maccabees' names.
-Where are you going?
-To fight the Greeks!
-You aren't going anywhere!
-I want to be a Maccabee, religious, a settler!
-Are you crazy?? You aren't leaving this house, do you hear!!
-Just kidding, Abba, relax. I'm going with Sean to McDonalds.
-Ah. Good. Pick me up a cheeseburger.
To which I can only add, "A pox on both their houses."Labels: haredi secular hanukkah maccabee
