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Lamrot Hakol (Despite Everything)

Musings and kvetchings and Torah thoughts from an unconventional Orthodox Jew.

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"I blog, therefore I am". Clearly not true, or I wouldn't exist except every now and then.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Funny but Sad

My friend Devo posted this on Facebook in Hebrew. I'm not quite sure how it'll translate, but let's give it a try.

A Litvish Haredi father explains:

-Abba, how did we beat the Greeks?

-With the help of God.

-So what were the Maccabees for?

-They were only soldiers. God helped them, thank God, and blessed be God, they won.

-The Maccabees were soldiers?

-Uh... soldiers of God. Forces of God.

-So the Maccabees were Lubvitchers?

-No! No! God forbid! They were Litvaks.

-Did Judah Maccabee carry a weapon?


-So was Judah Maccabee secular or a non-Jew?

-God forbid! What is this secular or non-Jew stuff?

-But only secularists and non-Jews go to the army.

-Religious Jews used to also go to the army.

-Why did the Maccabees go to the army and we don't?

-Because today, the Torah protects us.

-And the Torah didn't protect them then?

-Maybe go read some Mishnah with Moishey?

-Did the Maccabees learn Mishnah?

-They learned Torah. Lots of Torah.

-And they didn't work?

-God forbid.

-So Antiochus gave them money.

-No. They worked and made money here and there.

-In the black market, like Uncle Yanky?

-Yanky doesn't work in the black market!

-So what did Matitiyahu do for a living?

-He was a farmer.

-Matitiyahu was a Thai?

-God have mercy! What's this Thai business?

-So how did he work in the fields with a white shirt?

-Where did you get that he wore a white shirt?

-Moishey told me that a real Jew wears a white shirt.

-You get mixed up too much with this Moishey. But he's right.

-What did the Maccabees want?

-They wanted an independent Jewish state that they would run.

-Is that what we want, too?

-Yes, but we can't tell anyone. We aren't Zionists.

-Abba, I want to be a Maccabee, a Zionist, a soldier!

-Gevalt! What happened to you?

-Just kidding, Abba. I'm going to see a Schwacky show.

-Ah, good. Give my regards to Moishey's family.

A secular father explains:

-Abba, why did the Maccabees fight against the Greeks?

-Not now.

-Why not now?

-I'm watching basketball now.

-Come on, Abba!

-Uh... what does it matter. The important thing is that they won.

-Abba, in the encyclopedia, it says that it was because the Maccabees didn't want to eat pork.

-Could be.

-And for that, there was such a war?!

-Look, pork is full of cholesterol; maybe the Maccabees were into health and all that.

-And because of that there was a war?

-These Maccabee health nuts can be really extreme.

-Why did the Greeks force them to eat pork?

-Because the religious Jews make an issue out of everything.

-Were the Maccabees religious?

-Are you kidding? Religious Jews don't go to the army.

-So how did they beat all the Greeks?

-God helped them.

-But you said there is no God.

-True, there isn't.

-So is there or isn't there?

-There isn't. But they thought there was.

-Abba, I don't understand.

-What don't you understand?

-If there's a God.

-So ask Ima.

-Whenever you don't know something, you send me to Ima.

-I know important things. Whether there's a God isn't important.

-It says that Judah Maccabee beat the Greeks at Beit Horon.

-If it says it, it says it.

-Where is Beit Horon?

-Far away. It's not in Israel; it's in America.

-Abba, Columbus only discovered America in 1492.

-You know you're a pain? It's in the West Bank.

-What? Abba, were the Maccabees settlers?

-I knew it. Maybe go play with Sean?

-Abba, next time we're at Tiv Taam, are they going to force me to eat pork, too?

-If you continue with these questions, there'll be no Festigal this year!

-But Abba, I'm afraid. I only have one sister.

-So what?

-The Maccabees were five brothers, and they all fought together.

-Maybe go watch Dora?

-I want to watch Maccabee.

-Good, watch Maccabee.

-Abba, where are the Maccabees?

-Here in yellow. [note: Maccabee is the name of a sports team]

-Those are Maccabees?


-What are their names?

-Fizer, Bynum, Batista, Blumenthal and Cummings.

-Abba, you're being annoying. Those aren't the Maccabees' names.

-Where are you going?

-To fight the Greeks!

-You aren't going anywhere!

-I want to be a Maccabee, religious, a settler!

-Are you crazy?? You aren't leaving this house, do you hear!!

-Just kidding, Abba, relax. I'm going with Sean to McDonalds.

-Ah. Good. Pick me up a cheeseburger.

To which I can only add, "A pox on both their houses."



Blogger Larry Lennhoff said...

I saw that on Facebook, thanks for the translation.

2:46 PM  
Blogger Moshe said...

love it

10:21 AM  
Blogger Lady-Light said...

This is hysterical(hope it isn't true). Can you send me the link to the Ivrit on Facebook? I'd love to read it in the original.

11:28 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

It's http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=189914702123

I don't know if you'll be able to see it if you aren't friends with her. If you want, friend me (Lisa Liel) and I'll share it to you.

(How odd that we can say things like "friend me" and "share it to you" now. Language really does mutate.)

7:11 AM  

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